Thanksgiving Day 2010 ~ Hayes did a video for Baby Hope

Hayes' #1 Video to Baby Hope.......

Hayes' #2 Video to Baby Hope

Hayes' Video #3 (He mentions Baby Faith & Baby Robby ALL ON HIS OWN)

Hayes' Video #4

Out of the mouth of Hayes ~ Baby Hope

Preparing Hayes for Hope's soon to be arrival.........

Because we finally have a "plan" for Baby Hope to come (if I don't go into labor myself between now and then). We've been explaining to Hayes that it was almost time for Baby Hope to come out. We have covered all the important things with him during this pregnancy-talking about the hospital, prepping him for early delivery, what everything looks like at the hospital, sibling class, hospital tour (and he remembers when Robby was born/hospital), and so on.

Well, a couple days ago I asked him if he was ready for Baby Hope to come out of Mommy's belly. When I asked him he said, "No". I asked him why at the time....but he changed the subject. I have to say....I was kind of surprised because this ENTIRE pregnancy he has showed nothing but interest and true desire to have his baby sister here. I thought to myself....well maybe the jealousy thing is finally kicking in. I know enough on how to engage little people-and again asked him later. This time I said, "Hey Buddy...are you ready for Baby Hope to come out of Mommy's belly?" He said, "no" again. I said, "why not buddy?. He then says to me, "well Mommy....I don't want Baby Hope to come out of your belly because she's not ready...she has to stay inside of you to grow and get stronger....she can't come out yet because we don't want it to be too early....we don't want her to go to Heaven". THIS IS WHAT MY HAYES SAYS TO ME!!!! I was right......it wasn't yet the jealousy thing..........he was SCARED SHE WAS GOING TO COME OUT TOO SOON AND DIE! I also realized and it all clicked...that when we said our prayers at night and prayed to God.....we prayed that Baby Hope would stay inside of Mommy for a long time-and would grown and stay healthy and be strong. Suddenly, this ALL MADE SENSE! Of course, he didn't have a sense of time of "WHEN" it was time and GOOD for Baby Hope to be born!

How amazing that my 4 year/8 month old can verbalize this .....and yet we have adults in our lives that don't know how to express themselves...tell us their feelings about Baby Hope. I was so glad he was able to tell me this. I then went ahead and explained to Hayes...that Baby Hope was REALLY healthy, strong, and big...and that the doctor said it was ok if she came out of Mommy NOW...or some time SOON! He said, "Oh, ok". That's all it took was for me to explain that she was NOW ready.

WOW...how amazing....I love my little man! Below is the teddy bear Hayes picked out for Baby Hope....each Hayes, Faith, Robby, and now Hope all have their own bear! He was SO EXCITED that it was PINK!

Baby Hope Update - STILL HOME

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010 - 35 weeks & 3 days pregnant
(10:03pm)

Hello Family & Friends,

Well, the good news is Hope is still doing GREAT hanging out inside her lil hot tub-and we're ok! Things are still the same. I've been having the same intense time able contractions every night since Wednesday, but no further progress (no worse/no better). We went to our scheduled doc appointment today at 3pm. We were fully prepared with bags in car (for all of us), picked up Hayes from school to come with us, had Grandma ChaCha meet us at Hillcrest-ALL just in case the baby and my body were "ready" for show time! As it turns out, I'm partly effaced and the cervix is soft....but not dilated...and not enough progress to push for delivery. Since Hope is doing so well, the doc would like to see her stay inside of me until either a) she comes on her own, or b) we do the induction next week.

The induction is scheduled for Tuesday eve....and delivery should be some time on Wednesday, December 1st! There is a cervical gel they use to accelerate the process-which needs to be on for 12 hours. Post the gel-they will then introduce the pitocin-which is the medication that induces labor. The doc said I may or may not need the pitocin...but delivery is most likely to happen Wednesday morning. We will be delivering Hope at a hospital that's a little hike, and if we make it to the induction-it will be such a blessing to not have to drive all that way with hard core contractions (poor Bob.....5xs with Robby....Faith....and then Hayes of course-NOT a pretty 45 minute drive under those circumstances-ha!). If Hope comes on the planned induction delivery date.....I will be 36 weeks & 3 days pregnant-how INCREDIBLE!

Overall, we are just so amazed and beyond grateful that we've made it this far with Hope. The doctor (us included) NEVER imagined we'd make it to this point in gestation. We have been so thankful for each and every day Hope has been with us, growing, thriving, and staying inside of me! It's an absolute miracle, and all your prayers have worked-God was listening-THANK YOU SO MUCH! I love being pregnant...and at the age of 41....I've done the best I could to savor every moment-and truly appreciate every bit of it.

When you go through the experience we have.....losing two babies....delivering them...seeing them......holding them......loving them.....and then to have to hand them over to the nurse...as you leave the hospital in the wheel chair with empty arms....you can't imagine what this journey of the subsequent pregnancy has been like. Robby was our subsequent baby....he was the one that should have lived. But, he didn't. So as you can imagine.....we NEVER once-nor do we now take Baby Hope for granted. We also don't assume everything will be ok.......we can't. This pregnancy has been a difficult journey to say the least, and we really will not be able to take any sort of deep breaths until she is in our arms....alive...healthy...and ok. Even after that...even once we get home...there will be challenges in our walk of grief....guilt...and pain that will rein act for Faith & Robby. This is all part of the grief cycle for parents who have lost a baby......and part of what we have to face. So while we are beyond happy and excited for Hope's arrival...there is also struggle, and it's not as simple as Meme & Bob getting their new little miracle. Hope can't replace Faith & Robby, but we will find a new way in life....and with this part of the journey....we will "hope" to start the healing process in a different way now.......little by little.

Thank you again for ALL your prayers and good thoughts......we don't know what we would have done with out the people in our lives that have cared so much these past few months...and past three years for that matter. Thank you to those of you that wanted to participate and be present in our lives. God has amazed me...and where there have been gaps and deficits in life...he has provided people out of the blue to make up for some of the missing pieces. It's Baby Faith's 3rd Birthday on December 9th......how interesting that God has planned for Baby Hope to come in-between Baby Robby and Baby Faith's birthdays. The last 4 fall/winter holiday seasons have been extremely difficult for our family-yet now we have something positive to celebrate in moving forward.

We'll try to send an email, text, and FB update after she's born with a picture! Thank you again! Waiting to Exhale...............

Love-Bob & Meme

Baby Hope - SOON!!!???

Thursday, November 18th, 2010 - 34 weeks & 5 days pregnant
(5:31pm)

Hello Friends & Family,

We wanted to let everyone know the status and most recent update on Baby Hope (while we can still give one). It's looking like her arrival MIGHT be some time in the NEAR FUTURE! I've been having sporadic contractions for the past month (hence the bed rest), but not time able or aggressive. As of last night, I started having having time able more intense contractions every 2 to 5 minutes for over a 4 hour period. These contractions were very much like I had at the beginning of labor with Hayes, Faith, & Robby. We contacted the hospital/Doc on call....to bring him up to speed-and "check in". He gave me the choice to come into the hospital-or stay home and monitor closely-and to head in immediately if it became more painful/intense. We opted to stay home-and went to bed. I woke up four times throughout the night...but by morning the contractions became less in sequence-but were STILL happening.

I went to my Doc appt this morning, and they hooked me up to my non-stress test/monitor (as they've been doing for past 3 weeks), and the monitor confirmed and showed several contractions. It also showed that Baby Hope was doing well-and the results of her movement and heartbeat combined were GOOD! This is the week the doctor was going to start checking my cervix anyway....and when he did everything was still in tact. Basically, the doctor said my body is getting ready to labor and deliver Baby Hope at this point. He indicated that the potential "plan" of getting to 37 weeks post Thanksgiving was more than likely NOT going to happen. He believes that it can happen anywhere from NOW or some time by next week. It could be longer...but based on what's happening it may be soon.

Dr. Alvarez has put EVERYTHING in place for us and Hope to be ready for this moment....and with the lung steroid injections...and all that's been done to this point....we should be ready...and we should be ok. We're really scared...but, we are SO AMAZED that we've made it THIS FAR. We will be 35 weeks on Saturday. We've prepared for MANY scenarios with this pregnancy...death, early delivery with a baby trying to survive/NICU, to a sick baby in the NICU in the later gestation time frame.......all things we HAD TO BE PREPARED FOR. With that said, to make it to this point-we are just so grateful! Our journey is far from being over....and there could still be many issues, but as we've done this entire pregnancy-we have LET GO & LET GOD be in control-but we've done everything physically possible to obtain a "positive obstetric outcome" as they might say in the clinical world.

THANK YOU for ALL your thoughts and prayers. We thought we'd sneak in ONE MORE update in with what's been happening. We'll try to keep everyone posted on what happens and when Hope gets here! Please be patient with me with phone calls back, texts, or emails-as I haven't been feeling so great with the contractions and all that we're trying to prepare for at this point has been overwhelming....we APPRECIATE everyone's offer to help and we hope to talk to some of you SOON!

Love-Meme & Bob

October 22 (Friday), 2010

My sweet Hayes was saying a prayer to God all by himself for Baby Hope...and I asked him to repeat it just so I could capture it on video....he said it all over again...his OWN words.....I love my Hayes.....he understands so much! He's so excited about Baby Hope...and he always includes Baby Faith & Robby. We are SO blessed!!!

Out of the Mouth of Hayes......

Friday, October 22, 2010

Today was an interesting day with Hayes. First he said the prayer to God about Baby Hope....all on his own (see video)....and then we went to the store prior to going to a friend's house to play. As we were getting back in the car the following is the conversation:

Hayes: Mommy......when Baby Hope gets here....Daddy is going to stop working...right? He's going to be at home with us?

Me: No honey.....Daddy has to work so we can pay our bills, live in our house, buy food, and buy all the things we need to live. Why do you think Daddy is going to stop working?

Hayes (said it quite matter a fact-sincerely-and very sweetly): Well, if Daddy's going to go to work...then who's going to wipe my duppy (bottom/butt) when I go poopy? You'll be with Baby Hope helping her.

Me: (Trying not laugh...or smile too big) Ahhhh Buddy.....Mommy will be able to still help you honey.....I'll be helping and taking care of Baby Hope...BUT I will STILL BE ABLE to help YOU...and I'll be able to wipe your duppy....I can do BOTH....and take care of both of you....you just have to be patient like we talked about when Baby Hope comes...because sometimes you might have to wait since she's a baby...and sometimes I'll need YOUR help with her too....because your the Big Brother!

Hayes: Oh. Ok Mommy....thanks!

How FUNNY kids are-the way they think! This was the FIRST question about ANYTHING to do with him and Baby Hope over lapping....or how the care would work with both of them....and how endearing that he just thought Bob was going to of course quit his job to take care of HIM....two kids...a parent per kid....makes sense I guess! How sweet....I had to document this so I can print it off and put it in the "Hayes book". I love my Hayes!!!
Our DEEP conversations in the car...it's better than doing "play therapy" with my own kid....so much is revealed!!!

30 WEEKS PREGNANT TODAY!!!

October 16, 2010 (Saturday)

Hello Family & Friends,

We wanted to give everyone an update on Baby Hope! TODAY I'M 30 WEEKS PREGNANT!!! I can't even begin to express how happy we are about that! We've been in the 3rd trimester officially for two weeks, and we're so relieved to be at viability with Baby Hope. It's been a wild ride so far, and we're grateful for each and every day.

For the most part, everything has been going well. I had the steroid lung injections for the baby at 24 weeks. This is the injection that helps to speed up the baby's lung development. The doctor wanted me to have this shot because of the possibility of Hope coming at any time. The reality IS that she can come at any time because of my clotting issues...but the fact that she's staying snug as a bug inside of me AND is growing-is incredible to us. The doctor will repeat the lung steroid injections at 31/32 weeks-and then again close to 34 weeks just to be safe.

We've had numerous doctor appointments to keep an eye on the baby. Our most recent ultrasound with Dr. Philipson (in depth ultra sound looking at the organs, growth, etc) was this past Tuesday which revealed that the baby is looking GREAT. The previous ultrasound was exactly 4 weeks prior-and in that 4 week time frame Hope DOUBLED her weight...and she's weighing in at 3 1/2 POUNDS! This is a tiny bit bigger than "average"...and everyone was very pleased with her progress and growth! The bigger she is the better.....in case she's born now or any time in the near future-so this is GOOD!

I started to get Braxton Hicks contractions about 3 weeks ago-and they became more intense as of 2 weeks ago. The doctor said to call if I had more than 6 an hour...and I was basically having them anytime I was on my feet....along with on-going pressure. As of October 1st...the doc put me on a modified bedrest for the weekend-and then told me to stay off my feet when I could. I've continued to have these "braxton hicks" contractions accompanied with a lot of pressure....mostly non-stop when I'm up and about, but I AM trying to lay low and sit when I can. The doctor instructed me to get to the hospital immediately if they become any worse. We know we can go into labor at any time, so having the experience of the contractions only alerts us to pay attention even more-so we can be sure to get the hospital in time in case we need to deliver the baby.

The "PLAN" for the most part remains the same. The doctor would still like to induce me some time between 34 and 36 weeks (11/13 - 11/27). He recently said last week, that if things progress and go as well as they have....that there might be a possibility to extend it to 37 weeks-but he will NOT allow me to go any further (would have me deliver the baby by 12/4 at the LATEST). So, December 4th is the DEFINITE cut off date-and we know FOR SURE that the baby will be here by then. Getting to 37 weeks would be a dream come true....we would be so blessed if we're able to get to 34 weeks-we've been holding our breath...and will continue to do so until she gets here! We have to play it all by ear starting at week 34. The factors to consider for induction will be doing the amnio. This will be done at week 34, and will show the doctor if the baby's lungs are developed enough (yes the amnio can give them that information). The other big thing to consider is me-my cervix-and if I'm ready at all. If there are no signs of readiness-then he'll want to wait a week-and so on. This will probably repeat each week until we reach 37 if necessary. We're hoping we can get to week 37, but that may not necessarily be the best for the baby either. Because of my clotting issues, we run the risk of the baby being deprived at any time from oxygen and nutrients that she needs from the placenta. There is no way they can medically look at the placenta, so the only measurement is through growth monitoring of the baby. If at anytime they notice a stunt in growth-they may want to induce sooner than 34 weeks if I don't go into labor on my own. It all depends. At this rate, she is doing so well with growth....that we are ALL hoping she continues-and that just maybe our little HOPE can bake until 36 or 37 weeks-WOW that be such a gift! Really, we only have 4 to 6 weeks until Hope's debut....so that's pretty darn exciting!

Hayes is so excited to have a little sister here on earth-and has been nothing but positive about Hope. He kisses my belly-he talks and sings to Hope-and he tells me all the things he's going to show her and teach her. He includes her when talking about toys-and things that he wants...and always mentions how "Baby Hope can have the pink one Mommy". He's been pretty thoughtful for a 4 1/2 year old-and I'm so thankful for his embrace and excitement towards her. I have not doubt that he has concerns and in his own way worries that the baby is going to die/go to Heaven like Faith & Robby. We've been sensitive to his needs and we try to talk about Hope-and how well she's doing. He's come to a couple doctor appointments with me-and Dr. Alvarez even let him hold the ultrasound piece that goes on my belly to see the baby on the monitor (he thought that was really kool!). Hayes will soon take over the guest bedroom-and it will be transformed into his BIG BOY BEDROOM-focus being the the solar system (no not the Buckeyes yet-even though that's what Daddy wanted)! Hope will get Hayes' current bedroom-as it's set up for a baby-and the room's a little smaller. We've made limited progress on getting things done, but I think mentally we just couldn't get there until now. We hope to at least get Hayes' room completed, and the baby's room will come in time. As long as she has me, the bassinet, and clothes....she's got it all! We DID order her furniture for her room.....that should be here in 4 weeks or so!!!

Hope moves ALL THE TIME...she is the most active baby I've ever had! Starting about a month ago-I would just lay on the couch and lift my shirt to show my belly to Bob and Hayes...and you can see the waves of her movement...summersaults...vaults..all of it...it's pretty neat! I LOVE feeling her move-and most especially when Hayes feels her move. At first I was concerned, but the doctor said it was really good...because it means she's getting a lot of oxygen...and the more activity the better! She's kicking me right at this very moment! I'm going to miss feeling her inside of me....and I'm trying to savor every moment with her during this pregnancy.....even though it's been filled with fear and hope all at the same time.

Overall, October is kind of a tough month for us. In 2008 Grandpa Cerrito died on October 11th, I went into labor for the first time with Robby on October 13th-in the hospital thru October 15th-discharged on "National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance day" (which was my FIRST time to light a candle for Baby Faith)...on bed rest.....then I proceeded to go into labor 4 more times with Baby Robby...until he was born on October 28th, 2008. On a positive note, our foundation-Legacy of Love and Cornerstone of Hope hosted our 2nd annual program last night at Cornerstone for "National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day" which is on October 15th every year. Our program is called "A Life Remembered", and we had the privilege of honoring 50 babies this year...with over 90 people in attendance. We did a candle lighting ceremony - called the "Wave of Light" which is done at 7pm in every time zone across the world-and a candle gets lit for all babies that have gone to Heaven. It's been amazing to get feedback from people and see how many lives we've been able to touch.....we hope to continue our efforts and do even more in 2011. Thank you to our friends and family-and specifically the grandparents who acknowledged this very important event-which means so much to both Bob and I...and for actually coming to support us and the babies...and our foundation. We love you Papa (Dad), ChaCha (Charlene), LoLo (Lois), Papa (Bob), and GaGa (Godmother Amy)! We also participated in OUR 3rd annual walk for Faith & Robby...."Child of My Heart - Walk To Remember" sponsored by the James B. Knoop Foundation on September 12th. Again, we thank our family that came to support us and walked to remember our babies - Dad, Charlene, Lois, Bob, Amy (GaGa), Tommy, Heather, and Anastasia (my God daughter!) - having you there means more than I can tell you!

Thank you to friends and family that continue to reach out-and for all your prayers, thoughts, cards, and gifts for Baby Hope! She is one lucky baby....she has NO IDEA how blessed she is with all the prayers and thoughts you have all offered and for thinking of us so often........THANK YOU!

We hope you and your families are well-and that your fall and holiday seasons to come are special and you get to cherish time with family. The next update will probably be about Baby Hope's arrival...and we'll be sure to let everyone know when that time comes! THANK YOU AGAIN for caring!!!

Attached are some pictures - we had 3Ds done of Baby Hope last Saturday (my Dad got to be with us when we did it-the man's never even seen even a regular ultrasound-so he thought it was pretty neat), and then my dear friend Kim Wheatley (Donna Wheatley Photography) took some pregnancy pictures of me and Baby Hope (and a few of the fam)!

Love-Meme & Bob (Robert)

July 29th, 2010 update: Baby Bubnick #4 - IT'S A...........

July 29, 2010

Subject: Baby Bubnick #4 - IT'S A.........................

Dear Family & Friends,

We wanted to give everyone an update on our progress with Baby Bubnick #4! Things have been good for the most part. Our danger zone has been this past month, so it's been a tough few weeks. Week 14 through 18 is the time frame when Faith and Robby were born. Last Thursday would have been the last and final time we went into labor with Robby-and Faith a couple weeks prior to that.

We had a couple of scares. I had the same exact spotting right on my 14 week mark-which was exactly the same time frame with Faith & Robby when problems started. The spotting was EXTREMELY light.....but again so similar to the beginning of the issues with Faith & Robby so we were really scared. Luckily, we've had NOTHING since. I haven't had any contractions or any other physical symptoms to report thus far. In addition, my first set of blood work came back with a good possibility for Downs. My numbers were 1 in 36 which is slightly worse than the average for a 41 year old. They recommend a CVS or an Amnio anytime the numbers are poor. However, given the rate of miscarriage with these invasive tests-we opted NOT to do it. I did the second round of blood work-and my numbers turned around...they popped up to 1 in 2,000 for Downs-which the docs were elated...and so were we (we got the news last week).

Today I'm 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant! Can I tell you how HAPPY WE ARE about that!!! I continue doing my Lovenox/blood thinner injections on a daily basis, which we HOPE and believe is making the difference this time-it's the magic elixir! I started my P17 (Progesterone) injections a couple weeks ago. The P17 shots are done weekly by the nurse because it's a special "Z" injection and goes between the hip and the dupa (thats the word we use with Hayes for "bottom" or "butt" - I think it's funny). Research has shown that P17 shots have helped with prevention of pre-term labor. I had three P17 shots while I was pregnant with Robby before he was born. Some of you have asked what the doctor has said about our progress. There isn't a lot that they can do at this point except monitor me and allow me to check in when I need to. They're doing everything that they can for prevention and monitoring. Dr. Alvarez is "optimistic" and is happy we've recently gotten through our milestone dates. I see the doc about every other week these days. We LOVE Dr. Benito Alvarez-he is an amazing person-and an incredible doctor! We're so fortunate God kept putting him in our path! When I first started seeing him for this pregnancy, I asked how often I'd have to have an ultra sound, etc....and he said, "for YOU-anytime you want". That's how he is....and every time I've been there I've gotten to see the baby on the older less expensive ultra sound/wheel in machine (we call it the 1974 special..another friend named it the Zenith 500-ha!). It's so good to be able to see the baby each time...and thus far I've also gotten pictures. He put a note in the system and told me to come anytime I want or as often as I need to-and said the receptionists can squeeze me in. I took the opportunity to take my Mother-in-law (Lois) to one of my doc appts to meet Dr. Alvarez. My Mom will get to meet him when she's in town (she briefly met him in Oct of 2008 when we were in labor with Robby), and I'll be taking Charlene in August to meet him. I told each of the Mom's that they can ask ANY questions they want-we just want to make them each part of the process and include them. I hope to take GaGa (Amy-Bob's sister-and the God Mother to each of our babies) to an appt with Lois as well. I want GaGa to see her newest baby on the ultrasound machine!!! With that said, we are trying to celebrate and embrace all the positives and each day is a miracle with this life inside of me!

The DUE DATE remains as December 25th-Christmas Day! The plan remains for the doc to take the baby between weeks 34 and 36. Full an complete gestation goes to week 40. We will try for a induction/vaginal delivery since it's the safest and best way for the baby and for me. We'll see...one thing at a time. We just hope and pray we'll make it to at least week 34!

We had the anatomy scan this past Monday. Another Doc we love is Dr. Philipson-and he does all of our in-depth ultrasounds (on the high tech machine) and blood work. He's done the scans and blood follow up work for all our babies. The GREAT news is that the scan went very well. The baby looks great....and in fact the measurements of bones, the brain, the heart, everything "looks perfect" per Dr. Philipson. He asked how I was doing emotionally...and I just explained that this past month has been the hardest. We are absolutely joyful and so grateful for THIS baby...and getting through these milestone dates bring a relief and more HOPE for us. Yet, going through the milestone dates also bring out our raw feelings for Faith & Robby...and knowing how each of them looked when they were born...their size...their little perfect faces and bodies...and the fact that they're not here with us hitting us....hits us like a lead balloon. There are times I'm just in awe that I'm actually pregnant...and there are times that it truly leaves me breathless. This is all just part of our journey...and it's ok and appropriate to have all of these feelings (that's coming from the Social Worker in me). Thank God for therapy-love ya Milt!

Hayes came with us to the anatomy scan/ultrasound this past Monday-and we made a big deal of it. Hayes was good-and it was neat to include him this time! So drum roll please........................................................................................................................................

IT'S A .............................GIRL!!!!!

We're PRETTY SURE her name will be Hope.....OUR BABY HOPE! Hayes is REALLY excited and told me, "Mommy I want to buy a pink blanket and a pink bow for her hair!". Bob told me I NEED to go back to work like SOON since it's a girl-ha! We didn't care either way what it was going to be.....we truly really just want a healthy almost full term living breathing baby lacking in nothing. That would be a dream come true!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR GOOD THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! We can't begin to thank friends and family that have reached out to us-and that have asked how we're doing and all your caring efforts! To get through the milestone dates for Faith and Robby is one thing..but, we will be scared until this baby is here-with us and is ok.

I have started my blog, but I'm still trying to get the foundation pieces put together. As soon as it's "ready" I'll send out the website to everyone in case your interested and want detailed updates. The blog is pretty personal, and I'm using it to document our journey...along with beginning my efforts with writing pieces for my book.

Exciting news I thought I'd share - when we saw Dr. Philipson this past Monday he is writing a book about women that have had pregnancy/infant losses and about women that have had babies with chromosomal abnormalities-and their journeys emotionally with their experience with the clinical staff/nurses/docs...and the after math-who supported them-how they relied on other women, who they relied on, etc. Well, he asked me to write about my experience for an entry in his book! We felt like it was a sign considering I was trying to get my arms wrapped around staring my process with our book! I asked if he'd be willing to write a forward for my book-and he agreed. For those of you that don't know Dr. Philipson...he has quite the background and reputation in his field...so it was an honor to have him ask me. I haven't told the Dell family yet...but he also said he'd mention our Foundation (Legacy of Love) in the book as well-which is REALLY a big deal!

Hope you and yours are well, and that everyone is having a good summer! Again, thank you for all your prayers!

Love-Meme & Bob

The beginning of Baby Hope's Journey - the email sent at the end of April 2010 to family & friends announcing our pregnancy

End of April 2010

Hello Folks,

We wanted to share some good news with all of you! After 14 months of trying to get pregnant, 21 months since I last conceived, turning 40 this past September, getting through Baby Robby's first year mark of his burial/EDD on 4/2, continuing to grieve/miss our babies in heaven with profound sadness.........AND on our LAST try this past month before we were going to begin some more aggressive fertility interventions....God once again gave us our first miracle of hopefully many (I'm counting each day as a miracle) (yes I know that was a run on sentence)!

*******We're PREGNANT!************

It's still early, but I'm 5 weeks pregnant tomorrow. We're only sharing the news with the special people in our lives right now....so it's still a secret really to most family and friends.....shhhhh....please don't tell anyone! Given our circumstances, there really is not a "good time" or "right time" to share the news.......so we figured we'd at least tell the people who love us and support us!

It's been a wild ride and very difficult...month after month with not having any success....and for God to give this to us on our last try....it's so amazing to us! We weren't on ANY meds...NOTHING this past month (past couple of months). We tried 6 months of clomid...that was not successful...we tried progesterone....nothing. In moving forward, we were planning to do IUI next month. We even had our IUI training appointment with nurse Brenda on 4/6. We were there for 2 hours learning about IUI, how to give myself the "super ovulation" med injections, and worked through our many questions. During that appointment, it was surreal to both Bob and I that we were sitting there....that after all this time we couldn't get pregnant and now to do IUI with no guarantee for success and all the money that would be spent. Getting pregnant is only the FIRST step of many miracles to get through. It's been stressful to say the least....and my age/clock has been ticking VERY loudly...along with the fertility professionals reminding us to act quickly...no more breaks in trying....and to do things as promptly as possible.

I started my blood thinner injections (Lovenox) this past Monday-which is good! The sooner the better as far as I'm concerned! I give the injections to myself-very much like a diabetic...I had to go to Hillcrest Hospital this past Monday and have the nurse train me. The blood thinner is supposed to do the trick given my genetic clotting mutation, along with Bob's (yes we BOTH have a genetic clotting mutation...and the theory is that when we come together to make a baby....it makes for the clotting situation with the baby, etc). With that being said, Hayes was clearly even more of a miracle then he ALREADY was (he had much clotting and many infarctions on his placenta upon delivery)! Also, now I know why I gained this extra 20 lbs that I REALLY needed to lose.......I needed FAT to pinch for the injections..........so maybe I won't get stretch marks-how great is that ha ha (I SO should have lost that weight)!

I feel really good. Just the normal really really tired stuff....which is fine. It was a wild week though. I thought for sure I was NOT pregnant...and I probably had one of the worst weeks I've had in a very long time last week with thinking I wasn't pregnant once again (the week of April 12th). I took the first pregnancy test and.......I was shocked. I've been taking multiple blood tests over the past week to confirm that my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels are rising-and it's actually more than the average numbers! I have my first appointment with Dr. Alvarez on Tuesday (before he goes to Alaska for 3 weeks!)....so I'm excited to see him and just "check in".

PLEASE say some prayers. Our danger zone with both babies in the past starts usually around the 14th week...and proceeds through the 18th week and on. We're hoping and praying that the blood thinner and GOD carries this baby to full term, but there is a possibility that while the thinner can work.......I could still go pre-term....but let's just hope we get way past the danger zone...and that the baby gets to full term! I complete my first trimester on my sister-in-law's birthday (Amy/GaGa), June 12th...and the 15th week mark is on July 3rd (4th of July weekend). My DUE DATE is December 25th.....CHRISTMAS DAY....Jesus' Birthday-how neat is THAT!

We wanted to share our special news with each of you! You have all been there for us over the past 2 years....and we can't thank you enough for your friendship and support. We know this is early to "share" our news, but you are all people we'd tell if something ends up happening as well. I'm going to attempt to create a blog so we can keep family and friends updated on our progress...along with giving me an outlet...and it will be a way to document it all (I know some of you are aware.......I want to write a book some day-don't laugh...ha!).

Thank you again for being a part of our lives, and sharing and supporting us through our joys AND our sorrows!

Love-Meme (and Bob)

The Babies - The Beginning of our Journey.......

We knew we wanted to try to have more than one child....at some point...and never made the assumption we could...we just desired to do so for many reasons...and after having Hayes...that desire was stronger...perhaps from knowing what it was like to have a child...to feel that bond...the love...and to understand truly what an incredible gift and miracle they are.

Our FAITH
The following will tell the story better than I can at this point.....the first is a letter we wrote following Faith's birth around Christmas time 2007. The second document is the email sent out with regards to Faith's Mass & Burial on her due date - June 4th, 2008.


December 21st, 2007

We first want to wish everyone a healthy and happy holiday and 2008. I normally try to take the time to write everyone a personal note. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get it done this year. We’ve had a difficult and challenging year end in our household, and have faced much loss.

Our first family loss was my job. The company I worked for has been going through many changes. The company was purchased in September, and decided to eliminate the department I ran for 9 years. I was informed of the change at the end of October, and my last day of work was on November 30th. I worked for the company for over 10 years, and we were blessed with such a unique and wonderful opportunity. I professionally grew up with this company, and it was a part of my identity. I was incredibly sad and it was extremely difficult going through this loss. However, with the baby on the way-we tried to look at this change as a blessing in disguise. We were in the process of attempting to embrace the positives, and I was relieved to know that if another job didn’t drop in my lap-that I didn’t have to have the heart breaking experience of separating from my new baby when having to go back to work.

The joyous anticipation of the birth of our baby took a tragic turn, when at 15 weeks and 3 days pregnant one of our worst nightmares came to fruition. On Sunday December 9th, I went into early labor and got to Hillcrest Hospital at 10:20am. Upon our arrival the doctor did two ultra sounds and confirmed that all was fine with the baby. The baby was moving, heart beating, and she was doing good. Unfortunately, the doctor also confirmed that I was indeed in labor, and explained that there was nothing they could do to stop it. On our drive to Hillcrest I knew I was in labor, and Bob and I actually timed the contractions at 2 minutes apart at that point.
Between the labor/contraction pain, the lack of any control-pure helplessness, and anticipating delivering a child that was not going to live, the child that was not going to be the little sister of Hayes, the child that was not going to complete our circle……..was simply excruciating.

My water broke at 12:45pm, and we gave birth to our daughter at 1:23pm. Faith Amolia was perfect with teeny-tiny toes, fingers, and ears. Her hands and feet were similar to Hayes, and she already had her Daddy’s jaw line.
Four hours were spent holding, loving, and bonding with Faith. We have her foot prints and pictures to remember her by. It was heart-wrenching to finally say good-bye and to leave the hospital in the somewhat traditional way of sitting in the wheel chair, and being pushed down the hall way to the outside doors of the hospital while your husband goes to get the car….all except without our baby in my arms.
Faith will be cremated, and we will bury her in the Children’s Cemetery at St. Francis Xavier until one of us dies…and then she’ll be buried with us.

This has been devastating, and I’m not sure we will ever have any answers. Of course our type A personalities have pursued and opted for answers and any information they can obtain. My Doctor indicated that my situation is extremely rare considering my history of pregnancy, the age of the baby, and the fact that the baby was alive, doing well, and thriving. In fact, she said I would have had a better chance to be hit by lightning.

I don’t think we’ll ever overcome the deep sadness of losing her. We will always wonder what her personality would have been like, what kind of sister she would have been to Hayes, what kind of trouble the two of them would have gotten into….the sound, smell, and breath of another child… calling out for “Mama” and “Dada”. Would her little pitter-patter have been different from Hayes? A girl….changing the dynamics of our family….all for the better. Hayes cheated out of knowing and loving his baby sister…..and my arms empty…and my heart broken and lonely.

In Loving Memory of our Baby – Faith Amolia Bubnick
December 9, 2007 - Sunday at 1:23pm
Length: 5 inches & Weight: 1.5 ounces

"We were never to know you before you were gone. Your purpose fulfilled, God called you back home. Even an unborn life must sometimes depart, But I know you were here ... you left your footprints on my heart." ~Margy


May 7th, 2008

Hello Everyone,

We first want to thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers, and genuine support during such a difficult time. These last few months have been challenging ones, but we are trying to work through the grieving process the best we can.

Faith was cremated after the completion of all the tests and final evaluation. She has been with us since January 21st. We were so grateful to have her back with us, but we know it’s time to put her to rest and give her the peace she deserves. While it will be extremely difficult to let her go, we will bury her on my estimated due date of the pregnancy.

We understand our circumstances are extremely rare, and we’ve really struggled with how to handle everything. Going through the labor process, giving birth to our daughter , and being able to hold her and see her whole and complete body with her tiny fingers, toes, and facial features was a gift. We are extremely fortunate to have her footprints, as well as several pictures so we can remember her always-and have something to hold onto.

We want everyone to know we appreciate everything, and by no means do we want anyone to feel obligated to attend the mass and burial. However, we felt such great support from many of you-and thought it would be appropriate to invite those we love.

If you are able to attend, the following are our plans for the mass and burial:



Faith Amolia Bubnick
Mass on June 4th, 2008 at 12pm
St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church
606 East Washington Street, Medina, OH 44256

Burial immediately following mass at Spring Grove Cemetery~Babies Section

*Post burial we would like to invite everyone for lunch at our home.

We thank you for your love and support during this challenging time.

Love-Bob, Meme, & Hayes






I’ll Hold You In Heaven

God knew my heart was breaking
How I felt so all alone,
When the angels came and carried you
My precious baby home.

For He let an angel stay behind
When they took you from my arms,
He lingered there to comfort me
Until the break of dawn.

He said God left an echo
To abide within my heart,
That will sing for you sweet lullabies
You’ll hear while we’re apart.

And what a gracious gift I have
To love you as I do,
You adorn my heart completely
With memories I have of you.

My eyes will not stay tearless
For here you could not stay,
But God gave me His promise
I’ll be with you soon one day.

I’ll hold you again in heaven
I’ll hold you in God’s own time,
Yes, I’ll hold you forever in heaven
Sweet precious baby of mine.



After FAITH
When Faith was born, there were multiple tests and blood work done on both of us. The placenta was sent to pathology, and Faith's body was sent for an autopsy to see if there was anything wrong (chromosomal abnormalities...anything that could explain her early birth and demise). The tests came back with revealing nothing...well almost nothing. There were no chromosomal abnormalities-so that wasn't something we could identify as a the reason. The placenta showed some clotting and infarctions, but apparently nothing that was alarming. We met with a specialist within the Cleveland Clinic-he was recommended by my OB/GYN at the time. We met with him for a specialist's consultation. We probably spent about 15 to 20 minutes with him at most. He was extremely clinical in nature and detached (which is expected and we were fine with at the time). The only thing they DID find was that I had a blood clotting gene mutation called Prothombin and it's Heterozygous. We were told that per the research and information medically documented, this particular blood clotting mutation does NOT cause losses or pre-term labor. The typical blood clotting mutation that is identified with losses is Factor V Leiden. Since my blood clotting mutation was different...and we had a healthy almost 2 year old....the doctor simply told us that Faith was a "fluke" and to take a baby aspirin a day the next time...but even that wasn't necessary. He did share that the timing of the loss (2nd trimester) was odd, and that they don't typically see it that often...especially with no chromosomal abnormalities, etc. THIS is ALL HE HAD TO SAY....and he sent us on our way to try and get pregnant again. I remember feeling extremely uneasy leaving his office-and extremely upset. I walked away knowing something was wrong.....but, medically we had doctors at the time that either didn't want to dig deeper..think outside the box....OR didn't know how to. I remember thinking there was a needle in the haystack and they just didn't know how to find it.....and......I didn't believe for one moment that Faith's early birth was a "fluke". I remember walking away with Bob....talking to him about how I felt...but both of us feeling like we did everything we could......all the testing.....the consultation with a specialist....etc. And, with grieving at the same time....we WANTED to believe the doctor....and we wanted to trust him....and trust that nothing would happen if there was a next time. I remember thinking.....I didn't trust the doctor and what he said.....but, that I'd have to put my faith in their theories...but put ALL my faith in GOD...and that maybe HE would carry us through and give us a miracle if there was a "next" time.


Our ROBBY
Despite feeling extremely scared....we decided to try again. We hoped and prayed that the doctor was right...even though it provided little comfort. We put our hope and faith in God....and tried to move forward. We were blessed and so fortunate to get pregnant again-and that in itself was a miracle to us...because we didn't take that for granted either. I kept the same OB I've had for years...she was with me with Hayes...and with Faith...and now this baby. I trusted her and I considered her a friend in a way. I didn't blame her-nor do I blame her today for anything...but I think there are certain doctors that are able to think outside of the box...and not accept the "standard" and even if it's digging just a little deeper...maybe it can make all the difference in the world.

The following are pieces of documents that I sent out to family and friends through the course of my journey with Baby Robby. We were in and out of the hospital in labor with him multiple times. It also just so happens that my Grandfather became ill while I was pregnant with Robby...and my Mother was in town from North Carolina for an entire week before she even told me she had been in Cleveland and was at the hospital with him the whole time. At the time, she said she didn't want to tell me because of the baby, but what she did NOT understand is NOT telling me caused much more stress than knowing he was sick could have ever caused. I share this piece...only because it was an incredibly stressful time...and it marked the eventual passing of my Grandfather. I got to see him in the hospital and then at the nursing home a couple of times...and then he was transferred to hospice on a Friday-I saw him that day...and he died the next day on Saturday. I went with my Mom to the funeral home that Sunday to help her with arrangements...and that was when bleeding/spotting became more significant and I started to feel tighting with the baby. I went into labor the next day for the first time with Robby.


October 23, 2008

Hello Friends & Family,

We wanted to keep everyone informed of what's been happening. We appreciate all your thoughts, prayers, calls, cards, emails, and concern. As most of you know, I went into pre-term labor at 3am on Monday, 10/13. At that moment I was 3 days shy of completing 16 weeks of the pregnancy. The time frame of the labor was just like with Baby Faith (2nd trimester-15/16 weeks), only this time the contractions slowed down a bit-and we were given a chance....we were given a gift.

I was 1cm dilated when we got to Hillcrest Hospital at 4:45am. We had to wait until 9am for the Perinatology office to open so that a specialist could do a sonogram and be able to see what else might be going on. Sure enough, 4 hours and 15 minutes after arrival my cervix was opened almost completely but not all the way effaced. The docs in Perinatology took the lead quickly and decided they would do an emergency cerclage, and begin a 48 hour cycle of a medication called Indicin which has been revealed through research to help women in earlier gestation to sometimes stop labor. They told us that if nothing was done, that my body would continue to labor and we would deliver our baby and the outcome for the baby would of course be fatal. They also told us there was no guarantee because my body could continue to be in labor, regardless of any medical interventions attempted. We also understood that a cerclage is not a traditional treatment/solution for pre-term labor. However, we wanted them to do anything possible-and to be aggressive with any treatments they could try in order to save the baby.

Fortunately, the operation was successful and they were able to put the cerclage in with little difficulty. The risks at that point, and in moving forward were: 1) cerclage wouldn’t work and my body would continue to be in labor/deliver baby 2) the medication wouldn’t work-and my body would continue to be in labor/deliver baby 3) Extremely high risk for infection since the cervix was open-and at any given time I could get an infection and that would be fatal for the baby because it would provoke labor/delivery with no ability to turn back/prevent it 4) Overall, my body just may continue to go into labor on its own regardless of the medical interventions executed 5) If I go into labor and we don’t get to the hospital in time, the stitching can rip the cervix-then the cervix is damaged.

We were so fortunate that my body seemed to react favorably to one, if not both of the interventions-and I was discharged from the hospital on 10/15 with no sign of infection-or any contractions. The next test we had to get through was leaving the hospital on Wednesday-and being off all medication.

I was discharged on 10/15 with orders of strict bed rest (only allowed to go to the bathroom, no driving, no going anywhere but doc appts, bed/couch-and stairs 1x in am-and then again at night-laying down or sitting up angled only a bit), and had a follow up appt with the doc scheduled for Friday, 10/17. I had signs of cramping all day on Friday, but no contractions. At that point, the doctor prescribed a weekly injection called P17/Progesterone. This is a controversial treatment that has been proven to help women with pre-term labor. The doc wanted me to start the injections ASAP-but it was after 5pm when they faxed it to the Aetna pharmacy (not readily available at your local pharmacies). Thus, we’d have to wait until Tues, Wed, or Thurs when Aetna could finally ship it.

Unfortunately, I went back into labor/contractions on 10/18, Saturday early morning at 4am. We spent the day at the hospital and they were able to try a third medication that day around 1pm, and finally the contractions subsided after 10 hours. At that point, they believed that the third med (Procardia) helped with stopping the labor-so they prescribed it on-going. We were happy about this-because we felt that med did help-and doing something was better than nothing. Procardia is normally used as a heart med. Recent studies have shown that this med can also help calm the uterine muscle (both the heart the uterus are similar smooth muscles). They also indicated that he Procardia could be used in partnership with the P17 shots-so this also made us happy.

This past Monday/Tuesday we had another scare with bright red bleeding. We went to my OB’s office on Monday with no real answers but indication through an exam that the cerclage was still in place. On Tuesday the bleeding continued and we went over to Hillcrest/Perinatology, and the specialist determined through a sonogram that there was a blood clot near the cervix-near the bottom area of the baby/placenta but not sure if it’s within the sac with baby-or outside. This was somewhat good news, because it was determined that this is where the blood was coming from. In other words, it wasn’t blood from being in labor or the cervix ripping from the stitches, etc. In addition, the cervix looked great and was not shortened, stitches in place, and the baby was wonderful-heart beating strong-and it appeared as though he was running in place-wanting to let us know he’s a fighter and he’s strong. YES-IT’S A BOY!!!!

I DID get my P17 injections/package in the mail on Tuesday-and the nurse was able to give me my first weekly shot. This was a big relief considering it can potentially help prevent the labor/contractions. A home care nurse will be coming out weekly to do the injections and take all vitals, as well as check on the baby’s heart rate/fetal monitor.

That brings us through today, 10/23-Thursday. Today completes our 17th week of pregnancy!!! We have been given so many miracles since everything started on 10/13 with this baby. We truly believe that everyone’s prayers have helped get us to this point. Baby Faith didn’t have the same chance as this baby. When I got to the hospital with her, it was too late-and I delivered her within 3 hours of arrival. While this journey has been difficult and we’re extremely scared……we have nothing to complain about….we’ve been given so much more than we had with Faith. We would do anything we could to save this baby, and I’d be happy to stand on my head for the next 17 weeks plus. My due date is April 2nd, but the hope would be to keep this baby alive and well inside of me through AT LEAST February 5th.

The doctors have made it VERY clear that there is no guarantee that any of the interventions will work, and that realistically my body could very well go back into labor and not stop; which I would then have to deliver the baby. At this point in gestation, the baby has no chance of survival. Realistically, an infant doesn’t have a decent chance of surviving until week 26. With that said, the baby would most likely have incredible physical, cognitive, and developmental problems-along with just the pure struggle of staying alive and surviving.

We are hoping and praying for continued miracles for this baby. We are praying that the contractions/labor do not come back. We are praying that my cervix stays shut with no change. We are praying that things stay calm-and that the blood clot won’t affect anything negatively. We are praying that the baby remains to be a fighter-and that his heart continues to beat strongly-and that he is healthy and lacking in nothing. We are praying that I go to term-and if not go as long as possible so that this baby has a chance. We are praying that we have the right doctors/medical team-and that all interventions will work successfully.

Many of you have asked a good question, why is this happening again-have they figured out what is causing me to go into labor so early? They don’t know why. In fact, as indicated with Faith-and even more so now….all the docs that have been involved to this point have told us over and over how extremely rare this is-and it’s not something they ever see. Why is it rare? 1) My history of a healthy pregnancy problem free to full term gestation 2) Pre-term labor happening during the 2nd trimester during the 15/16 week-is not common 3) Nothing was wrong with me per all the testing they did (no infection-no major diseases-etc) 4) Nothing was wrong with Faith-we had an autopsy done on her-and there were no chromosomal issues-no organ problems developmentally-no heart problems-etc.

During all my meetings with my OB previous to this pregnancy/after Faith, the discussion was-and her hope was that the situation with Faith would be one time thing. That’s because they never found anything wrong with me or Faith, which was good news. Yet at the same time, it meant there was nothing they could do because they didn’t know what happened. My doctor originally told me after I lost Faith, that I would have had a better chance to be hit by lightning-and it just didn’t make sense-they just didn’t see this type of thing. Well, now we’ve been hit by lighting twice-except the big difference is that this baby has been given a chance.

We are taking it minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. Each minute we have with this baby inside of me is a good one. We truly believe God has intervened, and we are hoping the miracles will only continue. Please keep praying, it makes all the difference in the world for us.

I know I’ve been delayed at getting back with some folks, and I apologize. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your cards, emails, phone calls, and visits. I promise I’ll start getting back with people SOON. We are hoping everything will calm down-and I’ll be on true bed rest without trips to the hospital every 3 to 4 days!

Thank you for all your concern and support! I’m not going anywhere-so feel free to call or email anytime!!! Bob and I are still debating over names-hoping to pick one SOON!

Love-Meme (& Bob)



November 1, 2008

Dear Family & Friends,

We struggle in finding the right words for this letter and update regarding our baby boy………Robby (Robert Carl III). It’s probably easiest for me to first bring everyone up to speed on this past week overall.

We ended up going back into labor/contractions this past Saturday night/Sunday (10/25 & 10/26). We got to Hillcrest Hospital early Sunday morning, and they were able to once again stop the contractions after eight hours with a terbutiline injection. This was one of the interventions they tried the Saturday before (at the hospital) that didn’t work. We were fortunate to have some familiar medical team faces when we were there-with knowing my history. Dr. Alvarez was on that morning-so it was extremely helpful in allowing us to walk away with yet another ounce of hope, encouragement, and a new discharge plan with a different set meds that could potentially help (Terbutiline oral PRN when contractions on-set). We were also told that the bright red bleeding would probably persist because of the clot they saw on the ultrasound machine on 10/21. We thought part of the clot had already worked itself out a few days earlier, but they said it would be normal to have the bleeding persist to some degree.

Monday night (10/27), we went to bed feeling thankful and blessed for having one more day with Robby with peace for the moment, the ability to breathe, no major events, no contractions, and no trips to the doctor or hospital. After going to bed at 11pm that night, a severe consistent stabbing pain (in the uterine area) woke me up at 1:15am (Tuesday, 10/28). It was a pain and a feeling that I had never experienced…….it wasn’t cramping….it wasn’t like a contraction-it was just a severe constant stabbing pain. I didn’t want to wake Bob up right away, so I got up and took a terbutiline pill-layed back down and prayed and prayed and prayed that it would stop…..prayed that the baby was ok….prayed that this wasn’t my placenta doing something wrong…….….prayed that it wasn’t my cervix……….prayed that the stitch stayed closed-and that it wasn’t anything to do with that……prayed that he would give this baby life on earth-prayed for the biggest miracle of all……….prayed for God’s mercy-and help for this baby……..prayed for him to save this baby and wait to be born in a time frame where he could survive. After 15 minutes the pain was just as intense as it was prior-I got back up put on a decent shirt-brushed my teeth-washed my face-and prepared myself as I did the times prior in the middle of the night to potentially go to the hospital. I laid back down trying to give the medicine the benefit of the doubt-and that was when Bob woke up. I told him what was going on-but I needed to give the meds a chance to work. We waited in bed still in pain-and finally about 30 minutes later the pain subsided-although I could still feel a slight line of irritation on the right side/area of my abdomen/uterine area. We tried to go back to sleep and managed to do so until we both woke back up at 5:30am and I took my dose of procardia (the other med I was taking for pre-term labor)-and then took another terbutiline in attempts to prevent any pain that might be coming again. The feeling/pain was slight at that point-and it appeared that the terbutiline helped and worked-again we were grateful.

We actually went back to sleep for a little longer-and started our day about an hour later on Tuesday, 10/28. I called Dr. Alvarez’s office at 8:30am to report the pain and find out what I should do. I received a call back from the nurse-she took the information-and then called back after talking to the doc. Since the pain was being managed at that point-and I seemed ok-it didn’t appear that any intervention was needed. They suggested to continue the terbutiline and report anything if I experienced any changes. The home health care nurse came out at 9am to give me my second P17 injection (another med that has been proven to help stop pre-term labor). She listened to the baby-he was good-and all seemed fine with me except what I reported from the night before.

My last dose of terbutiline was taken at 5:30am, and I wanted to refrain from taking it if I didn’t have any pain-just because the side effects are somewhat intrusive (racing heart, hands shaking, king of like feeling you’ve had 10 triple lattes from Starbucks). My pain level was pretty much a zero-except I could feel the slight line of discomfort in the same area from the night prior. I was in ok shape until about 2:20pm, and I started to feel some of the pain again-in the same exact place. About 2:30 the pain became more intense-and between 2:30pm to 2:45 the pain scale jumped from a 1 to a 10. At 2:45, it was obvious that I was having contractions-they were intense-and they were 2 minutes apart. I called Bob-and he prepped to come home-then I called the doctor and they sent a message for the same nurse to call me back. The nurse called back-and of course told me to come in to the office (which Dr. Alvarez’s office is right at the hospital-and it’s the perinatology office with eh high tech ultra sound machine, etc). Bob came home to get me, and we made it to the office at 4:30pm. At that point, the contractions became even more painful and intense and remained anywhere from 1 to 2 to 3 minutes apart.

Before leaving, and on our way to the hospital we did what we had done each of the three times prior in the past two weeks (5 times including the doc visits when we were concerned-and thought we might have to go the hospital): 1) we called Grandma LoLo to get Hayes (as she did each time-most of the times in the middle of the night-THANK YOU MOM & DAD) 2) we made sure we had the camera with us in case we delivered the baby we could take pictures (which we didn’t have or even know to do with Baby Faith) 3) we called the grandparents to let them know I was having contractions again-on our way to the hospital 4) we called the Wash family to ask for their prayers 5) we talked to each other to get on the same page-we prayed together-and prayed individually 6) we played the CD that my brother-in-law Tommy so kindly made for me from Audrey Caroline’s blog (Angie Smith who lost her baby)-worship music that brought such great comfort to me after the loss of Faith and in the present at that point during our time of healing and hope 7) each morning I made sure (not knowing what the day would bring) I put on my “Faith” & “Hayes” necklace along with the Miraculous Medal of Mary necklace that Mom/Lois gave to me at the beginning of my bed rest-a Novena to the baby to protect. Putting on my necklaces each morning probably compared to a sports fan thinking if you did the same ritual nothing would go wrong-that YOUR team would win-that it seemed to work before-so keep the same behavior in pattern-that putting on both necklaces each morning would make the baby and me ok…that Mary would protect us……….that Faith was watching down from heaven lending her support……….that the miracle of Hayes could give us hope for another great miracle in life 8) Bob put on his strong face each time and tried to remain positive for ME……..he tried to take on the fears and burden at that moment..........and put all of it on his back so I could focus on getting through the pain. All of this is what we did EACH time we went to the hospital/Doctors.

When we arrived at the office I hoped that not many people would be there given my display and displeasure with the pain. Oddly enough, only two people were there-and as I was wheeled in-it happened to be a gal in our perinatal loss support group and her mother (she is pregnant due in January). This was significant given our involvement in the support group to date (never missed a meeting until bed rest), and knowing and supporting each other through each of our losses. We both cried-and I explained to her I was yet again having contractions. She was a source of good distraction-and helped some of the time pass. I was taken back about 5:30 to see Dr. Alvarez. He did an ultrasound and the baby looked great-heartbeat was great-and the cervix from the inside also looked good. All good news. He knew and could see in my behavior that the contractions were different this time-more painful than before. He did an exam with the scope-and stitches were all in place. While doing the exam and looking at the ultrasound machine, a decent amount of bright red blood came out of me-causing the doctor to be and look somewhat puzzled and concerned all at the same time. Because everything looked good-he was unsure as to what was happening-and after the blood-he knew there was something going on that they hadn’t detected yet. He ordered us to go to Labor & Delivery immediately-and I was to get an IV with saline and an antibiotic. He also wanted me to have an immediate injection of the terbutiline. He ordered a clean cath test on my urine-because he thought there may be an infection that had not been detected yet (hoping might be the cause).

By the time we got up to L&D (6:15pm)-the contractions moved from a pain scale of 1 to 10 to eventually a 20 in my book. Unfortunately, there were no familiar medical faces this time around, and the nurses didn’t understand what was going on-even though we tried to articulate as quickly as possible what we thought was happening. They had a difficult time finding a vein-and couldn’t get the iv in-then the house doctor that was on that evening came in and said she was waiting for a call back to get the update-even though we tried to tell her the specifics. After the doctor left, and what seemed to be a lifetime of pain-contractions rolling on top of one another-I felt a big “pop”. I immediately told the nurses and one went to get the doctor. We weren’t sure if it was a stitch that popped-but then my water broke. At that point, we knew what was going to happen……..what had to happen……….the inevitable. Bob immediately started crying-and yelled at the nurses to get the doc and to get the stitch out NOW (otherwise my cervix would rip-and be damaged). The doctor stepped back in at that point-and we both told her I needed the stitch out NOW. They wheeled me into the OR at 6:55pm-and shortly after they gave me an epidural-then the doctor cut the stitch. In my life time, I never felt that kind of pain-the contractions (I was told later that the pain is worse because of the cerclage). I was out of it-but Bob knew our plan…….the doctor asked if I wanted to be put to sleep and I said absolutely not. She asked Bob during the process if we wanted her to take the baby then (while taking out the stitch), and he explained to her we did not-and that I wanted to deliver my baby. She shared that the chord was prolapsing-and that the placenta was actually separating (which isn’t normal-and some of the pain must have been because this was happening as well). The baby more than likely passed when this occurred (placenta detaching).

When they were done with the procedure and after she cut the stitches out-she said my cervix immediately dilated to 4 cm. They took me from the OR into a normal L&D room-where we waited to give birth to our baby. Because of all the meds in my system to try to stop the labor-it didn’t happen immediately. The house doc at that time talked to Dr. Alvarez-and she came back in and told me that he was on his way to the hospital so he could deliver the baby for us (which is what we so desperately wanted). For those of you that don’t know, Dr. Alvarez happened to be the house doc the day Faith was born-he delivered her-and was one of our gifts that day. They checked my cervix around 8pm and I was 7 cm dilated. Dr. Alvarez came at 8:20pm, he checked me-and then asked me to go ahead and push-and at 8:35pm we gave birth to our baby boy….Robby.

Because the placenta was detached it ended up coming out at the same time as the baby (which normally doesn’t happen that way-it’s a separate birthing process for the placenta). Immediately, the doctor noticed that the placenta didn’t look right….and even from our view point-Bob and I could see that there was something wrong with it (from seeing Hayes’ & Faith’s placentas). The doctor indicated that the placenta looked aged-and had clotting all over it (it’s supposed to look smooth and fresh). At that point, he determined that clearly something went wrong with the placenta, which more than likely was the cause of all the problems. This was a huge indicator given that we had no clue what happened with Faith……and that all the testing came back fine (including the placenta pathology from her). Of course, the process would be to run a tissue sample on the placenta-as well as pathology. These tests only indicate so much though-but should show if infection and some other specifics were present. If nothing shows (infection) on the pathology-the doctor is left having to do his own investigation of guessing and trying to figure out what happened.

When the doctor examined the baby-he appeared to be fine-and all was good with him-no obvious or overt notations or anything wrong with him. The medical staff stayed with us for a moment of time……Dr. Alvarez stayed with us for some time as well. Everyone was really kind at that point, and Dr. Alvarez was more than we could ask for-he was once again a gift to us in the midst of a very bad storm.

We spent about 30 minutes alone with Robby before the grandparents arrived (we called them to come up). Lois & Bob came up-and Dad baptized the baby for us. Mom held him-and their presence was so important to us-so important in validating Robby-and the only opportunity they would ever have to meet him. Dad & Charlene came up a few minutes after the Bubnicks left, and they too spent some time meeting Robby….and being there for us and supporting us. Charlene held him and talked to him so sweetly-kissed him and told him how much she loved him. I think everyone was so amazed on how perfect he was……how perfect he looked……….he was just small. He was 2 ½ weeks older than his sister…..and even that time duration made such a big difference in his maturity. His head was more in proportioned to his body, he had full cheeks (I hadn’t been skipping any meals), he had complete details of all his facial features, he was long, he had big hands and big feet like both his brother and sister, he had the wonderful Cerrito toe-where the second toe is longer than the bigger one-like mine, he had EVERYTHING, little nails, little toe nails, face perfect. He looked like Hayes to both of us-and he had Bob’s lips-my cheeks already. He had Hayes’ nose. We couldn’t believe how big his feet were though-and we knew he would have been a big baby.

We took our own pics with the camera-and tried to do the best we could before time started taking him. I had the nurses call an organization called, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS)-which is a non-profit national organization that professional photographers volunteer their time for-and actually go to the hospital when called to take pictures of the baby and family to give the parents something to have and hold onto for the rest of their lives. Dale Kincaid out of Broadview Heights was our photographer, and couldn’t have been any nicer or any more appropriate. He arrived at 10:15pm, and he spent over 1 hour ½ with us and the baby-and really worked hard to capture Robby for us. He even took pics while they did his foot prints-and covered as much as he could. They are very careful to be sure the photos are appropriate and tasteful………..all done in black and white-and air brushing applied, etc. We were so fortunate to have Dale take the pictures.

After Dale left, we both took our time with Robby together and separately until 2am. At that time, we were both exhausted-and Bob was ready to pass out (taking on the worries for both Robby-and for me the whole time). After Bob went to sleep, I kept the light on near my bed staring at Robby until 4am. I knew once I turned the light off……..once I went to sleep……that more time would pass………..and by the time I woke that morning…………he would be even more changed…….he would be slipping out of my hands………he would be leaving me. Robby got to sleep with me-and I kept him in my arms and next to me until the morning. The night nurse was wonderful, and she did take Robby for a little bit to get more pictures-and complete a memory box for him. When she brought him back he had a little tiny hat on, and a little tiny baby shirt on-in which she took some photos of him. She gave us the box in the middle of the night when I was still awake, and I waited for Bob to look at it.

We woke up around 8am-both out of it-and both devastated. Dr. Alvarez was in to check on me first thing that morning before office hours. We discussed the time frame for a follow up visit, and for my absolute need and desire to get to the drawing board and figure out what happened-and the quest to try to get some answers this time. He was extremely supportive, understanding, and in agreement with this pursuit in trying to figure out what went wrong. He and my other docs assured me that what happened with Faith, and now Robby had nothing to do with my age.
Two of the nurses, Sandy & Michelle from Dr. Alvarez’s office came over to see us that morning-and met the baby. Dr. Fisher (my primary OB) called that morning to express her sympathy. We talked about the details of the situation, and she made a good point. Since Robby was 2 ½ weeks older than Faith-and was kept inside of me only because of medical interventions with the cerclage and the various medications……..she wondered if Faith’s placenta might have looked the same way if we were able to maintain her longer. This was a significant point; although none of the tests done on Faith or me at the time revealed anything. My gut is telling me that since infection never showed with Faith, with her placenta, or with me at the time…….even though Robby’s placenta was a mess-obviously had something wrong with it……….I just wonder if anything will show given that they only test for so many things. We are praying that Robby’s life might justify his death in at least revealing what went wrong this time (what went wrong last time). Again, the docs indicate that they so rarely see my situation-given my history and pregnancy with Hayes. None of it makes sense to them-and it’s a mystery.

Bob and I took the time to go through the memory box that was made for us-and went through every detail while I held Robby in my arms. They did an un-official birth certificate for Robby with his weight, height, and other details. They made up hospital bands with his name on it, there was a poem in the box, and then another small card with a poem-and behind that they had his beautiful foot prints on three spots on the front and back. There was also a tiny baby blanket and hat under everything. Earlier that night I received a hand knitted pastel color (tiny blanket with a bow) made my “Threads of Love” (another volunteer/non-profit group that donates the blanket). That morning Carol Hurst came in to see us and spent a moment. Carol is a nurse at Hillcrest, and helps to run the support group with Casey for perinatal loss that we’ve been attending since Faith passed. She brought us a “Peace Bear” which is another non-profit organization that a Mom & Dad started after losing their daughter, and wanted to help other parents in easing some of their pain. The bear is meant for a Mom to hold onto while leaving the hospital and thereafter so their arms are not completely empty.

After my blood was drawn (to do more tests) on Wednesday (10/29), we got to spend the rest of the morning with Robby. We handed him over to the nurse almost exactly 15 hours later at 11:30am. I was wheeled down to the lobby just like with Hayes, and just like with Faith-but without anything in my arms, and then now with Robby…but this time holding onto the bear and with the memory box in my lap. Handing another baby over and not being able to take him home was devastating. We felt like we were abandoning our son…..that we were leaving him. The bear was a wonderful thing to have, but it was the most difficult time-and as I waited for Bob to pull up with the car-and the nurse was behind me-I had stopped crying-and took a deep breath…until a man walked in and walked by me with an infant car seat. At that point, I lost it-and broke down the entire way home.

We apologize, because we didn’t have the energy or ability to call everyone-or email any sooner than this. We’ve spent Wednesday night through today-Saturday trying to figure out how to cope-how this happened again-how to grieve….now losing our second baby…when we were told Faith was a fluke from what they could tell……that I had a better chance to be hit by lightning…..that sometimes things happen that can’t be explained……but we would hopefully be ok the next time. We trusted in that and tried to embrace that THIS baby would be ok. My gut and my heart told me something different the whole time, but I put my trust in God, the doctors, and tried to be sure I did exactly what I was told-and took care of myself for the baby.

They expedited the autopsy and Waite & Son Funeral Home in Medina actually picked Robby up Wednesday night. We talked to the gentleman we worked with before for Faith’s burial-and asked if we could work with him once again. We signed the paper work for cremation on Thursday afternoon, and believe it or not-they called us at 3:30pm yesterday (Friday) and told us they had our son back and he was ready to be picked up. Bob picked him up right away, and he’s been back with us since 4:30pm yesterday. This was a huge gift-because we waited for Faith for almost 1 ½ months from the other funeral home. At this point, we’ve decided to bury Robby with Faith, each of them having their own box in the ground with their remains-and a couple of other things. We’ll have to get a new headstone-and we’ll put both their names on it with their dob/dod. We would like to do the same thing we did with Faith’s service-and have a private mass, and bury him on his due date, 4/2/09.

We will pursue everything we can in trying to find out what went wrong-and what can be done at this point to fix it. The thought of going through this a third time….of losing another baby in the same way-delivering my baby-holding my baby-and having to say goodbye to my baby is unbearable and I don’t know that we can take a risk in this happening all over again. However, we’d like to pursue things leaving no stone unturned. One reason being selfish in nature on our part……and that is the desire and pure desperation for wanting another child………..wanting Hayes to have a sibling……….to be a big brother, the other reason is not as selfish…….and that’s the desire and need to not have Faith and Robby’s deaths be for nothing. The desire to honor them, and to do something for them considering what they went through-and to make a difference for them.

We thought our hearts were broken before………….while we knew life could always be worse…and we made sure we were aware and appreciated everything we had and have…………we are left this time with a different kind of hopelessness………..an uncertainty of how life is going to be now………feeling beaten up and truly sick…….and praying for peace….praying for answers…..and praying for balance for our family.

Hayes has been through a lot these past three weeks, but he understands as much as he possibly can at his age. Grandma LoLo & PaPa were significant in the care of Hayes during our chronic trips to the hospital and the on/off contractions-and Mom tried to make things normal for Hayes-and gave him oodles of attention-THANK YOU! Hayes and I started listening to the heart monitor weeks ago (even though you couldn’t hear the heart on my monitor), BUT we could ALWAYS hear Robby moving-especially when I pressed on my tummy to wake him up. It was a ritual every night-and most mornings that we had with him. Hayes referred to him as “the Baby” until we found out his sex…….and then it was “Baby Brother”. We picked up Hayes from Lois & Bob’s house Wednesday on our way home from the hospital, and as I cried when I was hugging LoLo before leaving……..Hayes said in only the way a 2 ½ year old can, “Mommy sad……mommy crying”……….then went on to look me in the eyes and started smiling at me-and laughed. I asked him if he was trying to get me to smile…..and he said, “yes mommy smile”. We went to the store to get not only a “Baby Faith pink” (as Hayes now refers to the color pink whenever he sees it) balloon, but now a baby blue balloon for Baby Robby. Hayes got his normal red (which is what I get him when we do a balloon for Faith). We took both balloons to the cemetery to Faith’s spot-and we said a prayer for both babies-we asked Faith to look after her little brother-and we prayed that he was safe and would be safe in God and Jesus’ arms. Hayes released Faith’s balloon first, then released Robby’s balloon.

In Loving Memory of our baby - Robert ("Robby") Carl Bubnick III
October 28, 2008 Tuesday at 8:35pm
Length: 7 1/2 inches & Weight: 6.3 ounces

Thank you to everyone for your support, love, understanding, cards, gifts, meals, flowers, emails, and for YOUR PRAYERS. We don’t know what we’d do without the support from our family and friends. We’ve also been so fortunate to have some really great doctors and nurses through all of this.

Love,

Bob, Meme, Hayes, Baby Faith, & Baby Robby

ROBBY'S BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT - sent out with Christmas cards 2008

March 19, 2009

Dear Family & Friends,

We first want to thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers, and genuine support during such a difficult time. These last few months have been challenging ones, but we are trying to work through the grieving process the best we can.
Robby was cremated, and has been with us since the beginning of November. As it was with Faith, we are so grateful to have Robby back with us, but we know it’s time to put him to rest and give him the peace he deserves. While it will be extremely difficult to let him go, we will bury him on his estimated due date of the pregnancy. He will be buried with his big sister, Faith.

We understand our circumstances are extremely rare, and going through it a second time has basically left us speechless to some degree. Going through the labor process, having Baby Robby with me 3 weeks longer than I had Faith, and giving birth to our third child, and being able to hold him, spend so much time with him, and to see his whole and complete body...all the exact little details...with his tiny fingers, toes, and facial features was truly a gift.

We want everyone to know we appreciate everything, and by no means do we want anyone to feel obligated to attend the mass and burial. However, we felt such great support from many of you-and thought it would be appropriate to invite those we love.
If you are able to attend, the following are our plans for the mass and burial:

Robert (Robby) Carl Bubnick III
Mass on Thursday April 2nd, 2009 at 12pm
Saint Francis Xavier Church
606 East Washington Street, Medina, OH 44256

Burial immediately following mass at Spring Grove Cemetery across the street
Babies Section

Post burial we would like to invite everyone for lunch at our home.

We thank you for your love and support during this challenging time.

Love-Bob, Meme, & Hayes

To The Child in My Heart

Precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never -
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.


MY MOM

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for ohers...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom...through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal!