COMING TO PEACE WITH MY GRATITUDE & EXHALING

COMING TO PEACE WITH MY GRATITUDE & EXHALING


July 19th, 2016 (late again)
GRATITUDE WEEK 3

Gratitude Week 3 ~ FAMILY: July 10th ~ July 16th

My FAMILY … 
The people who love me unconditionally …. the people who catch me when I'm falling … the people who love me RIGHT WHERE I'M AT and never waiver … the people who challenge me to be better … but NOT for them … they want it for me. They are the people who embrace me and make me feel safe … they make me feel truly loved without conditions or expectations. They are the people that let me be my authentic self, and accept me when I make mistakes … and celebrate my victories. My family … my husband, Hayes, Faith, Robby, & Hope. THEY are my family. They taught me what a family is supposed to feel like … what it was supposed to be ... I had no idea until I had them. I think they saved me … to have this kind of love … I never experienced anything like it. You don't know what you don't know. And then WHEN you know …. sometimes it can be  incredible … and heart breaking all at the same time. Because then … YOU KNOW … you know what it should of been with others … you know what a family was supposed to be … and how people were supposed to love you and treat you.  YOU KNOW …. and as painful and as difficult as it can be to confront it … you do it … because you need to move forward …and you need to DO BETTER … BE BETTER … for yourself … for your partner … and for YOUR CHILDREN. So when I say my family … my chicklets saved me … they opened my eyes and my heart to a brand new beginning …. they allowed me to start to find myself again and figure out pieces of who I probably should of been a long time ago. The LOVE is SO BIG … the JOY is SO BIG … my heart is FULL … and there are no words that can precisely describe how grateful I am for them. I will make mistakes with my children, and I'm not perfect … but I will ALWAYS make them a priority. I will respect them … I will accept and celebrate who they are and who they are becoming … I will savor them … I will acknowledge them … SEE THEM … I will BE THERE … ALWAYS whenever they need me … I am their mother … I am their MAMA … and I TREASURE and CHERISH them ALWAYS. And yes, we have a college fund and a therapy fund for them … doesn't everyone do that :) !?! 

I am beyond grateful and appreciate the extended family and friends that make an effort to be present in our lives …. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Truly the people that go out of their way to love my chicklets and just want to spend time with them … want to know them … sit with them and play games … talk to them … love them unconditionally and are almost just as fascinated as us as parents ...watching them grow, learn, and become the people they are. WOW ... THANK YOU for wanting to be in OUR LIVES. Hayes & Hope adore you … love you so much. THANK YOU to those of you that acknowledge Faith & Robby … EACH and EVERY YEAR … for giving donations yearly in their honor on their birthdays, and at Christmas time … AMAZING … and I can't begin to describe how special and meaningful it is. Not only that you acknowledge them at special times, but then you also donate to their memorial fund/foundation so we can buy and gift mommy necklaces to other families that have lost a baby. THis is their legacy living on … helping other families. My heart can never express how much this means to us. There's lots of people that aren't there anymore, but I have to say the people that are in our lives now and are PRESENT …. INCREDIBLE … LOVE YOU ….. and THANK YOU for loving my children. 

No family is perfect. But if you are fortunate to find your people … whether related OR not …. LOVE THEM … EMBRACE THEM … CHERISH THEM. Life is too short to spend your time on people who wouldn't do the same for you. I'm am still always amazed that people think being a blood relative gives them permission to have entitlements and to make demands of someone that they wouldn't do the same for … with no investment or devotion. With really …  no relationship or effort to have one. There has to be an actual relationship for reciprocation and for people to have an authentic exchange and for it to be REAL. I get that lots of people don't like to be in the real … they like the surface. We just can't do surface anymore … at least not with folks that think we owe them a relationship with no effort on their part. And while it's been sad at times, and beyond disappointing. We know the REAL now …. and there is PEACE in THAT. Life is EASIER with that…  

"When people make you feel unwanted, don't leave to make them feel sad or guilty, they won't. Leave because you no longer have a reason to stay. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. What's meant to be will end up good and what's not - won't. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give to you." ~ unknown 

Living out loud … living my truth… and trying to have courage and being fearless all at the same time. I'm telling my story. If it can help others … isn't that what we're supposed to do in this life? 

Peace & Love ….

#52weeksofgratitude

Coming to peace with my gratitude and EXHALING all at the same time …. 

CONFRONTING GRATITUDE & EXHALING

CONFRONTING GRATITUDE & EXHALING


July 10th, 2016
GRATITUDE WEEK 2

Gratitude Week 2 ~ Spouse / Significant Other: July 3rd ~ July 9th

Bob & will be married for 17 years this coming September. Our marriage is not perfect. I don't think ANY marriage is perfect. Marriage is hard. We have gone through MANY obstacles, challenges, and we've climbed problems between us the the size of mountains. There were moments in our marriage before children, we weren't sure we would be able to move past and recover from. Neither of us are prefect. We have each hurt each other deeply. I joke about therapy, but I mean what I say. Get over yourself …. everyone has crap to deal with, individually AND as a couple. A good therapist can help you push through the road blocks in life .... the "stuff" that is stopping you from moving forward. The stuff that is holding you down, in your marriage or individually. A good therapist can help you find clarity, and start to take responsibility and ownership for your own behavior … and understand why …. what you've been doing … IS NOT WORKING. A good therapist can help save a marriage … save a life … save you from yourself. But they can't do that, unless you're willing to peel back the layers and let them see you for who you really are. They can't help unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable, and be willing to roll up your sleeves and DIG DEEP … and work hard. This is individually, and even more difficult in couples therapy. There is NO quick fix …. it takes time and a lot of work . And life is always changing, and just because you fix something previously…. it doesn't mean there will never be obstacles again. It doesn't mean it's ever going to be perfect. If your spouse can DO that … and be willing to go to therapy and reach into the depths of their soul and fight for you … fight for the marriage … and love you so deeply that they sit in that chair of vulnerability and are exposed with their entire heart opened up ….. THEY LOVE YOU like no other ever could. To want more from each other, to expect more from each other, and to work so hard that you can actually get to another level as best friends… well that's a gift. 

Bob has always loved me right where I'm at. He has always accepted me for the good and the bad. He's embraced my flaws, and he has loved me unconditionally. He showed me through our own family, what a family is really supposed to be …what it's supposed to feel like with unconditional love, support, and genuine appreciation and respect for each other. He has walked with me right by my side through so many moments in life, where I thought I'd be broken for forever. He helped pick me back up, wiped my tears, allowed me to just "BE" when I needed to, and all along LOVED me … always. We have watched life un-fold with amazement and with disappointment. When others broke my heart … people that should of been there … family… friends… he helped me heal. He is my family … he is a piece of THIS family … our family. 

He is an incredible father, who truly loves and cares about his children … and puts them FIRST. He prioritizes them and is present for them. He takes the time for THEM. I see his genuine joy as he watches our children growing and becoming the people they are meant to be. I DO pray he doesn't have a stroke or a heart attack by the time Hope is 13. She is ALL girl and is our little firecracker … his facial expressions are PRICELESS when she comes down with lipgloss on, or she's doing a fashion show with herself and narrating everything. He has NO IDEA what's to come … she has him wrapped around her little finger, "Daddy it's time to wrestle!". And with Hayes, I pray he maintains his patience … as our old soul child lacks a sense of urgency and sometimes Bob wants it done yesterday. I also see him watch Hayes with amazement on how he is mechanically inclined and can solve all 8 of his different rubix/meffert cubes & puzzles within minutes (times himself with each one). He makes it a priority for Faith & Robby to have a legacy … loving them despite them not being here with us. He supports the foundation we have with the Dell family, and has always cared about the things we do. He celebrates and remembers Faith & Robby in our family as their father. He helps me to teach Hayes & Hope how Faith & Robby's lives mattered, and how they have made a difference and touched so many other lives.

I have watched him through heart break and tragic things that happened… things in our own little family… and outside of our family. I watched him protect our family during a time when there was a trauma when Hayes was a baby, and we had very little control over what the outcome might have been. I watched him do everything he possibly could to help me, all while he was feeling completely helpless as Faith was born and died on December 7th, 2007. I watched him as his father came into my hospital room to baptize her, and all he wanted to do was fall into his father's arms but couldn't. I watched him as we tried to pick up the pieces after losing Faith, and he was trying to take care of me instead of himself. I watched him with hope in his eyes again, when we were pregnant with Robby. I watched him each and every time we were in and out of the hospital in labor with him, and doing anything and everything he could to protect ME and our unborn baby. And as we went into labor that final time with Robby on October 28th, 2008, I watched him yell at the doctor and nurses to get me into the O.R. as I was screaming in pain and agony because whether they took the cerclage out or not … Robby was on his way. I watched him having to watch me in the most pain I had ever experienced in my life, and his desire to STOP IT … to make it better … but he had no control. As a husband and a father … that is one of the most excruciating feelings for a man …. to feel helpless and not fix it or make it better for your family. I watched him hold Robby with such incredible sadness and pain. I watched him watching me hold Robby, and me not wanting to ever hand him back to the nurse or say goodbye …to yet another child. I watched him allow me to grieve, as he tried to do the same but was taking care of me. I watched him as we forged forward with our Saint Dr. Benito Alvarez - many meetings and developing a plan … for "if" and when I would get pregnant again … I saw how scared he was … both of us …. but we felt there was no other choice. I watched him as we jumped off the cliff with a blind fold on, and no parachute….praying HARD. I watched him love and care for Hayes in the midst of our storm … and always being an attentive and loving father. I watched him as we walked through Hope's pregnancy scared each and every day of the unknown … scared she would die …. but having faith and hope at the same time. I watched him ….. TAKE CARE OF US … our family. I saw him deflated, heart broken, and beaten down 3 days before Hope was born with family things that happened … because somehow it became about everyone else leading up to Hope's birth and surrounding that time. I saw the JOY in his eyes when Hope arrived … alive … and healthy. We didn't know what would happen. I saw his relief, thinking maybe he will actually sleep now after 8 months of not having any control. I saw him rise above expectations of others and disappointments in life with people … I saw him let go and let it be. You can't change people, and I saw him accept it and leave it right where it was at. 

While he has serious "resting face" he is hilarious, and is one of the funniest people I know. We LOVE to laugh together, and have the same sense of humor. He is a smart and an incredibly hard working guy that provides well for his family. He is passionate, and LOVES his work, family, & GOLF. He is humble about his golf game, and is scratch golfer … handicap of ZERO. I keep telling him we need to play the lottery … win … get him a sports psychologist … and go on the Sr. PGA tour :) ! I love Bob very much, and I guess what I'm trying to say is … I am GRATEFUL FOR HIM … for all he is to our family… to me … to the kids … and grateful I've had him as a partner through the peaks and valleys in this life. Life isn't perfect, we aren't perfect, and we will continue to mess up and make mistakes … but I can't imagine walking through the storms that we have … with anyone else. I'm GRATEFUL he loves me the way he does … even with all my flaws and imperfections. Ok, maybe now he'll let me buy those expensive sun glass :) …. KIDDING! 

Living out loud … living my truth… and trying to have courage and being fearless all at the same time. I'm telling my story. If it can help others … isn't that what we're supposed to do in this life? 

Peace & Love ….

#52weeksofgratitude

Confronting my gratitude and EXHALING at the same time …. 

EXHALING MY GRATITUDE

EXHALING MY GRATITUDE


July 5th, 2016
GRATITUDE WEEK 1

Gratitude Week 1: Why start this challenge? 

Exhaling My Gratitude Week 1: June 26 ~ July 2 (I'm late posting) 

I need to thank Tina Zarlenga for motivating me to start writing again. There are few folks in my life that have recently given me additional inspiration…. you know who you are … most especially ALL my chicklets. The #52weeksofgratitude challenge is giving me the opportunity to dive back into writing. This is happening at the perfect time for me, as I feel like I'm going through a transition of sorts… a metamorphosis. I'm shedding pieces of myself (literally and figuratively) and LETTING GO and LETTING IT BE. I've held on so tightly to SO MUCH, that I lost sight of how much I was carrying …. so much of it … too much piled high in my arms … I couldn't see clearly…. and most of it UNNECESSARY … I didn't need any of it. And it wasn't just my stuff I was carrying. I was holding onto other people's stuff too … I took on their crap without hesitation… and even told them THANK YOU for letting me hold YOUR CRAP. I felt like I was stuck for so long. But along the way, there were gifts that I've been given. Some gifts started out as tragedies, but turned into blessings and clarity in the purest form. I'm starting to shed the unnecessary layers, and find pieces of me that I haven't seen in a very long time. I'm also finding pieces that I never knew existed … pieces that were never nurtured as a child and pushed down for my entire life … I'm slowly learning how to embrace it all. I was afraid to stop carrying everything, but most especially with regards to the babies … Faith & Robby. If I didn't hold onto them as tightly as I possibly could … I thought that would mean I was letting them go. Letting them go … again. And to say goodbye again …  the thought was unbearable. I am their mother … how else can you parent a child that is no longer here with you on earth. But I know now, I will never let them go … they are HELD … ALWAYS ... and LOVED in my heart and in my soul … and they will ALWAYS be a part of me. They live through everything I do … and their legacy lives and breathes within me and my family.

So with all of that said, I am starting this journey of gratitude to give myself a greater insight into life … THIS LIFE … wanting to learn more about myself and about others…. and wanting to be in the moment and be able to FEEL it with a genuine appreciation. I want to learn more about how I can find it with being STILL … feeling the CALM… SAVORING THIS LIFE… finding balance with joy - hope - grace - peace & love all simultaneously while there are tragedies - sadness - disappointments - sickness - pain - and horrible things that can happen. As a friend of mine once said, "this is why they call it LIFE". If the painful things did not happen … how would we ever discover or know what pure joy and being grateful is all about. 

I was trying to find some motivation with writing today. I received two books as a gift  from 2 very special people. BOTH the books helped me today, and I'm going to keep digging in :) . THANK YOU LADIES! 

Living out loud … living my truth… and trying to have courage and being fearless all at the same time. I'm telling my story. If it can help others … isn't that what we're supposed to do in this life? 

Peace & Love ….

#52weeksofgratitude

Exhaling my gratitude …. 

And I'm not waiting to exhale anymore …. I'm LEARNING to exhale ….

I'm BACK …. it's time …..

Posting my FB post as my 1st post on my blog …. it's been 5 1/2 years since I've written on here from my heart … from my soul …. I'm ready to start writing again …… THANK YOU TINA!!!!

THIS INCREDIBLE WOMAN has been an inspiration to me since I met her this past year on her son Ryan's birthday, 12.7.15. She is launching 52 weeks of gratitude on her 52nd birthday. She has inspired me to start writing again, and she has motivated me in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. Writing has been a passion of mine since I was a kid. I joke that my FB is my "FB Blog", because I tend to live out loud on it - I document Hayes & Hope … but I document my journey with the babies as well. I tend to live out loud. I am a documenter, and I like to have something to look back on …. ESPECIALLY when it comes to my chicklets. I am going to take on this 52 weeks of Gratitude. I also opened my blog back up today after 5 1/2 years of not writing on it. I had intended on doing it sooner than this after meeting Tina, but I was scared it would bring up lots of sad and upsetting memories that also made me very angry back then and lots of things unresolved which would never be resolved. Fortunately, the years and time allows separation to happen - but I CAN remember things as if they were yesterday. I shut the blog down back then because of some family members that behaved badly …… with us. All of it surrounds the impending birth of our Baby Hope … here SHE was about to be born … after losing 2 babies …. and she was on her way … everything looking good … she seemed healthy …. she seemed to be ok…. but STILL SO MUCH of the unknown on what would happen with her. Unfortunately, instead of focusing on Baby Hope and what we needed during this journey, there were lots of folks that made it about them. They couldn't just LET US BE …. they couldn't just let us do what we needed to do. They made it about them, sadly and tragically really. So I did all I could do at the time, and I SHUT DOWN … I shut myself off and decided to turn the blog off. I suppressed all those feelings and didn't write about any of it. I kind of regret reacting this way - and allowing other people to control me. But, I just did what I needed to do at the time to survive. Well, it's been 5 1/2 years now, and THIS IS MY LIFE. This is MY STORY. And if you behaved badly…. in MY story, we give you grace … but it's part of my journey. Good or bad …. it made an impact … obviously. Wouldn't it be great if people actually had the ability to self actualize. It's RARE. It's probably good that I'm starting to write again now vs then … because the steam has subsided and I have grown even as a person. It was heartbreaking, disappointing, and devastating at the time …. especially when we should of been completely focused on Hope and her up-coming birth. Yet, it was REVEALING and people showed us their TRUE colors. We learned more than we could ever want to know about the folks who were supposed to love us unconditionally. While tragic, it was the truth … and it allowed us to re-focus and understand how we needed to live our lives and how we needed to focus on the folks that loved us right where we were at.

"Do your thing. Do it unapologetically. Don't be discouraged by criticism. You probably already know what they're going to say. Pay no mind to the fear of failure. It's far more valuable than success. Take ownership, take chances, and have fun. And no matter what, don't ever stop doing your thing." ~ Asher Roth

WEEK 1 ~ 52 WEEKS OF GRATITUDE CHALLENGE

I am starting this challenge - 52 WEEKS OF GRATITUDE - because of Tina Wallace Zarlenga. I want to start writing again and I want to FEEL life in detail... every angle… every morsel … the good and the bad. And I want to focus on being STILL and appreciating all that's in front of me. Thank you Tina

#52weeksofgratitudechallenge