I'm BACK …. it's time …..

Posting my FB post as my 1st post on my blog …. it's been 5 1/2 years since I've written on here from my heart … from my soul …. I'm ready to start writing again …… THANK YOU TINA!!!!

THIS INCREDIBLE WOMAN has been an inspiration to me since I met her this past year on her son Ryan's birthday, 12.7.15. She is launching 52 weeks of gratitude on her 52nd birthday. She has inspired me to start writing again, and she has motivated me in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. Writing has been a passion of mine since I was a kid. I joke that my FB is my "FB Blog", because I tend to live out loud on it - I document Hayes & Hope … but I document my journey with the babies as well. I tend to live out loud. I am a documenter, and I like to have something to look back on …. ESPECIALLY when it comes to my chicklets. I am going to take on this 52 weeks of Gratitude. I also opened my blog back up today after 5 1/2 years of not writing on it. I had intended on doing it sooner than this after meeting Tina, but I was scared it would bring up lots of sad and upsetting memories that also made me very angry back then and lots of things unresolved which would never be resolved. Fortunately, the years and time allows separation to happen - but I CAN remember things as if they were yesterday. I shut the blog down back then because of some family members that behaved badly …… with us. All of it surrounds the impending birth of our Baby Hope … here SHE was about to be born … after losing 2 babies …. and she was on her way … everything looking good … she seemed healthy …. she seemed to be ok…. but STILL SO MUCH of the unknown on what would happen with her. Unfortunately, instead of focusing on Baby Hope and what we needed during this journey, there were lots of folks that made it about them. They couldn't just LET US BE …. they couldn't just let us do what we needed to do. They made it about them, sadly and tragically really. So I did all I could do at the time, and I SHUT DOWN … I shut myself off and decided to turn the blog off. I suppressed all those feelings and didn't write about any of it. I kind of regret reacting this way - and allowing other people to control me. But, I just did what I needed to do at the time to survive. Well, it's been 5 1/2 years now, and THIS IS MY LIFE. This is MY STORY. And if you behaved badly…. in MY story, we give you grace … but it's part of my journey. Good or bad …. it made an impact … obviously. Wouldn't it be great if people actually had the ability to self actualize. It's RARE. It's probably good that I'm starting to write again now vs then … because the steam has subsided and I have grown even as a person. It was heartbreaking, disappointing, and devastating at the time …. especially when we should of been completely focused on Hope and her up-coming birth. Yet, it was REVEALING and people showed us their TRUE colors. We learned more than we could ever want to know about the folks who were supposed to love us unconditionally. While tragic, it was the truth … and it allowed us to re-focus and understand how we needed to live our lives and how we needed to focus on the folks that loved us right where we were at.

"Do your thing. Do it unapologetically. Don't be discouraged by criticism. You probably already know what they're going to say. Pay no mind to the fear of failure. It's far more valuable than success. Take ownership, take chances, and have fun. And no matter what, don't ever stop doing your thing." ~ Asher Roth

WEEK 1 ~ 52 WEEKS OF GRATITUDE CHALLENGE

I am starting this challenge - 52 WEEKS OF GRATITUDE - because of Tina Wallace Zarlenga. I want to start writing again and I want to FEEL life in detail... every angle… every morsel … the good and the bad. And I want to focus on being STILL and appreciating all that's in front of me. Thank you Tina

#52weeksofgratitudechallenge

Hope is already TWO YEARS OLD soon....in less than a month. Here is her 2nd birthday invitation. Just having a VERY small family party for her.

Confetti Party Pink Birthday Invitation

Custom birthday cards and Valentine's Day cards by Shutterfly.

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Hope 2nd Birthday

Confetti Party Pink Birthday Invitation

Graduation invitations and announcements by Shutterfly.

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Stationery card

Big One Pink Birthday Invitation

Click here to browse Shutterfly birthday card designs.

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HOPE'S BAPTISM

Victorian Rose Baptism Invitation

Create cute birthday cards, valentines and more at Shutterfly.com.

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Thanksgiving Day 2010 ~ Hayes did a video for Baby Hope

Hayes' #1 Video to Baby Hope.......

Hayes' #2 Video to Baby Hope

Hayes' Video #3 (He mentions Baby Faith & Baby Robby ALL ON HIS OWN)

Hayes' Video #4

Out of the mouth of Hayes ~ Baby Hope

Preparing Hayes for Hope's soon to be arrival.........

Because we finally have a "plan" for Baby Hope to come (if I don't go into labor myself between now and then). We've been explaining to Hayes that it was almost time for Baby Hope to come out. We have covered all the important things with him during this pregnancy-talking about the hospital, prepping him for early delivery, what everything looks like at the hospital, sibling class, hospital tour (and he remembers when Robby was born/hospital), and so on.

Well, a couple days ago I asked him if he was ready for Baby Hope to come out of Mommy's belly. When I asked him he said, "No". I asked him why at the time....but he changed the subject. I have to say....I was kind of surprised because this ENTIRE pregnancy he has showed nothing but interest and true desire to have his baby sister here. I thought to myself....well maybe the jealousy thing is finally kicking in. I know enough on how to engage little people-and again asked him later. This time I said, "Hey Buddy...are you ready for Baby Hope to come out of Mommy's belly?" He said, "no" again. I said, "why not buddy?. He then says to me, "well Mommy....I don't want Baby Hope to come out of your belly because she's not ready...she has to stay inside of you to grow and get stronger....she can't come out yet because we don't want it to be too early....we don't want her to go to Heaven". THIS IS WHAT MY HAYES SAYS TO ME!!!! I was right......it wasn't yet the jealousy thing..........he was SCARED SHE WAS GOING TO COME OUT TOO SOON AND DIE! I also realized and it all clicked...that when we said our prayers at night and prayed to God.....we prayed that Baby Hope would stay inside of Mommy for a long time-and would grown and stay healthy and be strong. Suddenly, this ALL MADE SENSE! Of course, he didn't have a sense of time of "WHEN" it was time and GOOD for Baby Hope to be born!

How amazing that my 4 year/8 month old can verbalize this .....and yet we have adults in our lives that don't know how to express themselves...tell us their feelings about Baby Hope. I was so glad he was able to tell me this. I then went ahead and explained to Hayes...that Baby Hope was REALLY healthy, strong, and big...and that the doctor said it was ok if she came out of Mommy NOW...or some time SOON! He said, "Oh, ok". That's all it took was for me to explain that she was NOW ready.

WOW...how amazing....I love my little man! Below is the teddy bear Hayes picked out for Baby Hope....each Hayes, Faith, Robby, and now Hope all have their own bear! He was SO EXCITED that it was PINK!